I want to have your abortion
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
