Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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