I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
