He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Randomize
