She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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