How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
