You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
