we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
