If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Panties = found
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
