Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
