I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Randomize
