I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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