If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
