if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
