he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
