the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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