im holly from the hills drunk
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Randomize
