forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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