I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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