she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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