Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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