can u get pink eye on your cock?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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