what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
