you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
