Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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