I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
