After last night, I could never be a politician.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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