my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
