you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
