a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
