So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
even my farts smell like vagina
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
pray to the hookup gods
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
