does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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