oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I checked into jail on foursquare
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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