you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
