took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
