Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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