Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
