I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
