..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
