you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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