Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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