i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
