does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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