Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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