were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
