All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
