Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
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