he was CRYING into my vagina
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
