All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
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