**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
our cab driver is having phone sex.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
