just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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