Apparently you make a good broom.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
