im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
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