okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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